One Horse Open Slay by James Mullaney

Author:James Mullaney
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: christmas humor detective crime hardboiled satire parody
Publisher: James Mullaney

Chapter 10

I awoke to the sound of a steady knocking at my bedroom door. When I checked my watch I found it was five hours since I’d hit the sack. It felt like five minutes. I would have stuffed my head under the pillow and gone back to la-la land if not for the infuriating cretin who continued to rap out the drum solo from In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida on the bedroom door.

I groaned and rolled over. Whoever was banging at the door had good ears. They obviously heard me squeak the springs because they redoubled their efforts.

One of the many drawbacks of not going to bed drunk is all the stuff you don’t sleep through the next day. Idiots at the door. Phone calls. Screaming dames. December.

When it became clear whoever was out in the hall wasn’t going anywhere, I hauled my sorry carcass out of bed and planted my feet on the floor.

If a floor was still moving the next day, that meant I had a good time the night before. If it was moving like the deck of a ship in a hurricane and I couldn’t remember my own name, it was a pretty fair bet I’d suffered a birthday at some point the previous week. That morning the floor under me was planted solid as bedrock and wasn’t going anywhere anytime soon, and unfortunately I remembered everything about last night more clearly than I remembered my last ten birthdays.

“Keep your pants on!” I growled.

The knocking stopped. “Mr. Banyon, sir, I was told to collect sir for breakfast.”

Zippy the butler. I’d know that snide elf’s voice anywhere. After what Julie told me about him and Santa the night before I was going to have a hard time looking the guy in the eye. Lucky for me he’d have to stand on a table to reach eye level.

“If sir would kindly let me in. The master and mistress are waiting, and sir’s door appears to be stuck.”

The knob jiggled and the door budged half an inch. The chair I’d jammed up under the knob kept it locked in place.

I tugged my pants on over my boxers and answered the door, yawning, barefoot and in my untucked undershirt. A pair of very large orbs behind a pair of very thick glasses scanned me up and down in silent disapproval. Silent was good. It had the chief benefit of being silent. Unfortunately, the silent disapproval got not-so-silent fast.

“Ah,” droned the butler, drawing the H out so long that by the time he was finished with it you could have kicked a field goal through it.

“If you want me to check your tonsils, shorty, I’m fresh out of tongue depressors.”

The elf was standing beside a wheeled cart on which were arranged razor, comb, hot water, towel, facecloth, soap, toothbrush and toothpaste. He gave a sympathetic click of his tongue. “Perhaps I should have come sooner. An hour ago, perhaps, could have given sir the time sir needs to complete sir’s morning toilet.”

“Five minutes and the sports page is all sir needs.

Download

Copyright Disclaimer:
This site does not store any files on its server. We only index and link to content provided by other sites. Please contact the content providers to delete copyright contents if any and email us, we'll remove relevant links or contents immediately.